a teacher's final gift...

I looked grace in the eye today.
I looked wisdom in the eye today.
I looked impermanence in the eye today.
I looked love in the eye today.

And although that eye was her only way of communicating, those are the messages I received.

I had the blessing of sitting silently with a friend today.
She is in an end-of-life care facility... in the final stages of her cancer journey.
She has easily had three lifetimes worth of struggles in this one short life, and she has worn them with dignity.

I was nervous about going to see her.
I knew it was to say good-bye ...and thank you.
I was so nervous, I even Googled "what to say to a person who is dying".
(Yes, I actually did that!)
I was reminded that I didn't need to say much.
I could let my presence speak.
I could let my love speak.

As it turned out, that was all I needed.
She is beyond speech now.
Except for that one eye.

My nervousness soon dissipated and I felt...
humbled
by the experience
by her presence
by the gift.

She has been a teacher to me...
a companion on the journey of recovery and discovery
and even in these final days,
probably without even knowing it,
she gives.

Thank you, my friend.
Peace to you..

- simply jag

i simply am...

I don't cook.

I am not athletic.

I don't finish what I start.

I am lazy.

I am not domestic.

I have worn all of these labels - and others - for much of my life. I have let them go... and picked them up again, only to release them some time later. They're never very far away. Too often, I have let them define me and determine how I walk in this world.

I have made progress in moving beyond these self-defeating definitions. Can I truly say "I don't cook" as I feast on a Sweet Potato & Black Bean Chili that I made from scratch? When I cross the finish line after running 21.1 km, am I still lazy... and non-athletic? And when I take money out of the ATM to pay for our housekeeper, am I... um, well... OK, let's face it. I am not domestic. :-)

I wear other labels too...

I am spiritual.

I am compassionate.

I am a good listener.

I am kind.

I am calm.

These labels seem more appropriate to wear, but they too can work against me. Some days, I am not kind... and I am not calm... and I am not compassionate. On those days, I judge myself harshly and become critical of not living up to the label. I pick up another label: I am a failure.

Just for today, I don't want to wear a label.
Just for today, I am here... I am now... I am enough.
Just for today, I am.

- simply jag

a day of life and death...

Last Saturday, I noticed this in my yard:

Needless to say, I was thrilled! Especially considering there were (note the use of past tense) still snow patches on the lawn.

Ahhh, life renewing... what a great sight.

That same afternoon, I received the news that a friend had passed away earlier that day. I was overcome with sadness, especially since - that very morning - I had been thinking of going to see him the hospital. I guess I didn't realize just how far the cancer had taken him.

Ahhh, earthly life ending... what a great might.

Finding... and losing... the never-ending cycle of Life. The message was made very clear that day. It rained all weekend, as if the skies were joining me in my weeping.

I am thankful for the rituals we have created that allow us to share our sadness, and our joy in having known those who have passed. On Thursday, we celebrated Barney and the way he had touched our lives. Barney was a gentleman, and a dapper one at that. He loved fashion and always had kind words to say about what I was wearing... especially my hats & coats. He'd kiss my hand and say: "Ohh, look at you. You can really pull that off. I love it! I LOVE it!" So, at his memorial service, I wore my bright turquoise coat and my square top cap with a matching scarf. I knew he'd expect nothing less of me! :-)

Barney, thanks for being so generous with your kindness and your love. The weeping is over and I have nothing but smiles for you. I'm glad that your physical suffering is over... xox

(Thanks to Dean for the use of his photos of Barney...)

simply jag xox

beautiful self...

I've been getting clear messages this past week, both from people who care, and from my own body: I need to s...l...o...w... d...o...w...n... I am juggling too many balls, all of them of my own choosing. I read something a while back that really resonated with me: "Some say that busyness is a form of laziness. Because you're too lazy to work out what not to do." (Michael Bungay Stanier) And so, I am in the process of making the difficult decisions about what NOT to do.

Last night, I chose NOT to go out to the theatre with a group of friends. My hacking cough would have been entirely inappropriate and exhausting. I stayed home and ended up playing with self-portrait! Dare I say it, I believe these shots are beautiful.

simply jag xox

a simple shot...

“I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.”

- Carly Simon

A simple shot today...

I'm Day 2 at home with a cold and I feel like crap. I really thought I could fend this one off, but when Hubby caught it last week, I should have known. He NEVER gets a cold, and if it was potent enough to take him down, what chance did I stand?!

Today is Obama's visit to Ottawa. I work downtown and was hoping to catch a glimpse of the motorcade - or better yet, of the man himself! Alas, the Universe presents yet another opportunity to learn Acceptance. Dammit.

simply jag xox